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Monday, 1 August 2011

Fiesty or Arsehole

Hey lovely people so hows your week been? Yesterday was a day of quiet contemplation and nostalgia, I got to thinking about the old days back in Wales, the summer that changed everything and the sonngs I couldn't get enough off, back when I was in my chrysalis before I developed into something more vibrant and sprang from it. Tsunami bomb vs. The monster, and a gallows track amongst a few others. I wasn't super happy back then, I spent alot of my time angry and frustrated and fuck it depressed, thats not to say it was all bad because of course it wasn't I met some amazing friends and have a huge box full of memorie's train tickets and such. But the past month has been a bit uppy downy and i've reffered to it as being a bit like life jenga, e.g a bit jiggly and unstable. But I did I compare and contrast yesterday and asked myself am I truly more happy down here than I was there? Don't misconstrue this as me being all woe is me because I don't throw pity partie's for anyone let alone me. See truth be told the answer is yes I am more happy here, however i'm really not liking who i'm turning into especially after these past couple of weeks. Last night I had the urge to taxi-it down to the beach, to dip my toes into the water I do that...run to water when i'm stressed or have something on my mind I need clarity on something, in fact i've done it since I was in my teens, whether its the canal, river or sea depending where i've been/am living at the time, which is ironic considering i'm scared shitless of water. Maybe thats why when I go to the beach I force myself to go ankle deep and look out at the horizon because subconsciously I know that in those short moments i'm confronting my phobia ergo making me realise that i'm made of sturdy stuff and can deal or at least attempt to deal with any problem I might have and staring out at the deep vastness that is the sea I realise how insignificant and small I am.

So what prompted the desire to act like a hippy by sodding off to the beach at silly o'clock in the morning(thankfully I was too lazy and far too sleepy) A realisation I had over the weekend , (I promise i'll stop using the word realise or any form of thee word in a mo on account of having noticed how often i've used it already) the realisation that I am an arsehole. Today i'm going to talk a bout the word Feisty(briefly) on my fbook profile I say i'm too feisty for my own good, its quite a cutesy sounding word I stumbled upon this definition of the word earlier Feisty: having or showing exuberance and strong determination. Tenacious, energetic, spunky; belligerent; prepared to stand and fight, especially in spite of relatively small stature or some other disadvantage. Quite a fitting word for me but there's a difference between being fiesty and a fraction hot headed and being an arse hole. I really don't think fesity sums me up anymore I think the word arsehole is more accurate. This past week alone i've argued with two different people and been unable to contain my temper admittedly the two gents that I did argue with happened to catch me at the wrong time of the month e'g when i'm at my worse and my short fuse gets even shorter. To say i'm explosive when i'm pssed off is an understatement I know I look all cute and delicate but i'm utterly vile when i'm pissed off, I get very leary and sweary and I become like a snarling tiger being poked with a red hot poker...viscious.
As i'm sure Handsome Statham can recal...i am a cunt when i'm pissed off and I struggle to control it. Handsome Statham and I are no longer fuck buddie's I presumed he hadn't text me for reasons I won't go into and also presumed he was playing the same stupid games that so many men including King Tart e.g instead of being straight up and saying that he no longer wanted to hook up he just ignored me...maybe my eyes are jaded now when it comes to men and i'm too quick to judge. Handsome Statham didn't text me because he was ill...in hospital with pneumonia, i'm so quick to judge and cut people off and presume the worse in people which makes me an absolute wanker in my book. He said the text i'd sent him was agressive I think thats the first time anyone has said that to me and I didn't like hearing not because I thought it was bollocks but because it was true. I'm not surprised he dosn't want to fuck me anymore.

I'm not going into the ins and outs too much because honestly i'm ashamed and not just because of how I acted and who else I argued with because my temper is ugly and I worry that i've turned into a complete bitch. I also seriously upset someone last month too and I hated knowing that I was the reason they were feeling upset , and i know that despite taking them a cup of coffee and a bar of chocolate upto their room to apologise it dosn't make it ok. I mentioned temper and how I hated it so and my sister said it was genetics, fair play she's got a point our parents are both incredibly hot headed so it makes sense to some degree but I feel like I mines a million times worse than there's and think its a cop out to blame mine on my genes. I've lost count of the numerous thing's i've broken in rage for those struggling to picture me being able to break anything period let me paint a very ugly picture for you I cracked my bedroom door in wales by booting it, put the front bit of the washing machine through, anhillated my laptop and numerous phones and crockery launching trying to put them through one wall or another. I spoke to Miss Banana about it. I think it's a good job i'm pacifist and abhor physical violence. it all and she suggested Anger Management, which I was suppossed to recieve info on when I got the info about CBT for my OCD but didn't recieve anything don't think the doctors took me too seriously as well i'm tiny and look like an elf. I think it'd be a good thing for me to go, my first question will be how can I manage my temper Although when some twat felt my ass and when another said something inappropriate i had to fight hard to resist the urge of booting him in the arse a couple of weeks ago it's my ass so only the people I like get to touch it. So how do become the opposite of a cunt.

Nothing new on the guy front I wouldn't mind hooking up with a guy i'll Crew cut, who I spent some of saturday night flirting with...swoon he's gorgeous.

Things i'm loving right now
That my friends love me even if i'm prone to being a douche(not to them)
My new TUK Mondo Hi Creepers(frickin' awesome)
The Sony Xperia arc...so sexy <3 it

Things i'm hating right now
My temper
That i'm pretty certain i'm more arsehole than nice.
That my insides feel like dirt due to the above.
Hope you all have a lovely week Stay kinky KinkyCupcake XOXO

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